5 posts tagged “emotions”

i am tired and angry. angry with shit that i had to clear for others. i am a rather structured guy so when i am assigned to a team my loyality will be to the team and sometime i forget that i belong to the ward as well! so when i am assigned to another room i viewed myself as just helping out. in my view of helping out, i do not expect to have to put things in place for others. and to top it off i do not wish to have to carry the blame for others too. but i was shown faces and heard really nasty harsh words from Drs. if the Drs are at wrong to say some damn remarks i will not take it down but what if what they say was REAL? all i can do was shut my mouth and offer solutions. but with every remarks i heard i felt a slap on my face. reading between the lines, i felt them asking me `so, is it the standard that your ward has, huh? what sort of standard is it, man?`

to top it, i felt my hands tied with not enough staffing. even if there is enough, some of the job scope does not allow some to do certain things... so in the end i still need to do it. right? but i cannot leave the room to do what i want to.... and there, the phone kept ringing with the guy on the other end screaming at me. *sigh* no choice, i had to go around almost begging for others to help me.

and then...i miss the iv schedule and had to roll the shit to the other shift. i hate that about myself although it was not something i can help. yet i still cannot help feeling terrible and shitty. then i recieved a rejected specimen for the wrong tube used! shit! i was the 1 that double checked it! but in the moment of hastiness, i signed it without really checking. i got a 1 to 1 session for such shit already and now these!? FisHNuggets lar!

so i got home tired, angry, hungry and at some point i felt my body empty! like i was just a walking corpse! felt better with food in my tummy and then decided to pray before sleeping. i seriously needed to submit all those pent up emotion to the one greater than me. while doing my time alone with God, i accidentally played this mandarin song and the singer had such clear voice! the music was very smooth and relaxing too. the lyrics brought back to my senses and logic. why am i here? what was the purpose to do what i am doing? i cried. not because i am angry, not because i am tired nor hungry. i cried for being selfish, prideful and task orientated. i was so focus with my feelings. i had treated my patients under my care almost as enemies! with each call bell, admission and every task that i need to do, i found myself hating the sight and the sound of them! how shameful i am before the One who had nailed on the cross for the sinful me. *sigh*

03 how precious U r to me

although i am more settled now, i am still wondering should i speak up. afterall speaking up is not merely to make myself feel vindicated for but for the good of all - the patients that were deprived of care, the staff that was overworked and the mis-represented image of the ward. yet if i do, some people will be affected and i will earn enemies, which i know i certainty will be better doing without. *sigh*

with less than 2 hours to sleep, til my next battle with the demands of human kind... i think i am worrying too much. *sigh* I SURRENDER......

good morning....good night....

i am tired and angry. angry with shit that i had to clear for others. i am a rather structured guy so when i am assigned to a team my loyality will be to the team and sometime i forget that i belong to the ward as well! so when i am assigned to another room i viewed myself as just helping out. in my view of helping out, i do not expect to have to put things in place for others. and to top it off i do not wish to have to carry the blame for others too. but i was shown faces and heard really nasty harsh words from Drs. if the Drs are at wrong to say some damn remarks i will not take it down but what if what they say was REAL? all i can do was shut my mouth and offer solutions. but with every remarks i heard i felt a slap on my face. reading between the lines, i felt them asking me `so, is it the standard that your ward has, huh? what sort of standard is it, man?`

to top it, i felt my hands tied with not enough staffing. even if there is enough, some of the job scope does not allow some to do certain things... so in the end i still need to do it. right? but i cannot leave the room to do what i want to.... and there, the phone kept ringing with the guy on the other end screaming at me. *sigh* no choice, i had to go around almost begging for others to help me.

and then...i miss the iv schedule and had to roll the shit to the other shift. i hate that about myself although it was not something i can help. yet i still cannot help feeling terrible and shitty. then i recieved a rejected specimen for the wrong tube used! shit! i was the 1 that double checked it! but in the moment of hastiness, i signed it without really checking. i got a 1 to 1 session for such shit already and now these!? FisHNuggets lar!

so i got home tired, angry, hungry and at some point i felt my body empty! like i was just a walking corpse! felt better with food in my tummy and then decided to pray before sleeping. i seriously needed to submit all those pent up emotion to the one greater than me. while doing my time alone with God, i accidentally played this mandarin song and the singer had such clear voice! the music was very smooth and relaxing too. the lyrics brought back to my senses and logic. why am i here? what was the purpose to do what i am doing? i cried. not because i am angry, not because i am tired nor hungry. i cried for being selfish, prideful and task orientated. i was so focus with my feelings. i had treated my patients under my care almost as enemies! with each call bell, admission and every task that i need to do, i found myself hating the sight and the sound of them! how shameful i am before the One who had nailed on the cross for the sinful me. *sigh*

03 how precious U r to me

although i am more settled now, i am still wondering should i speak up. afterall speaking up is not merely to make myself feel vindicated for but for the good of all - the patients that were deprived of care, the staff that was overworked and the mis-represented image of the ward. yet if i do, some people will be affected and i will earn enemies, which i know i certainty will be better doing without. *sigh*

with less than 2 hours to sleep, til my next battle with the demands of human kind... i think i am worrying too much. *sigh* I SURRENDER......

good morning....good night....

read a frd's entry on how she felt. make me think of this song. its called "draw me close to you". its a song that often draw tears from me. =) whenever i sing this song in church, i will have a visual image of the song being sang to be instead of me sing to Him.

hmm... cuz there are so many times i felt like throwing in the towel and calling it quit. sometime problem seems easier to deal with if it was drown in alcohol or confronted with the other person. yet all good Christian teaching will tell us to be patient and take it as a learning curve. God will be our pillar or support and He will avenge our grieves. still... knowing it and doing it are worlds apart...

so before u throw in ur towel in hope u too will give a listen to His cry out to you "draw me close to you"

so much to talk abt but can't seems to find the words for it. *sigh*
feel like a mute screaming into the darkness but making no sound at all.
am i ok, i think i am.
an oppression pressing against my chest.
*mental note* find a way to release that.

SERIOUSLY I THINK SOMEBODY HATES ME! AND THE WORST PART IS THAT I HAVE NO IDEA WHY SHE HATES ME?! because i am not someone that will hide my feelings, if someone hates me and displayed it -> i felt it and can't understand why -> i will start to dislike that person too -> resulting in avoid this person at all cost! but if i like that person and that person is basically approachable and nice, i will like that person even more and thus i will enjoy being with/ near the person. yes... its called the vicious cycle and the self fulfilling prophency.

still... I HATES THAT STUIPD FEELING OF BEING HATED. ARGH!!! DARN... SO UPSET AND ANGRY THAT I CAN'T REST! ARGH... ROARRRR....